Request Slabbin'
A Terrible Idea We're Weirdly Excited About
Listen, we need to be real with you. You want us to take your precious cardboard rectangle, heat-seal it in plastic with an NFC chip, and somehow NOT destroy it in the process? That's... that's insane. We have absolutely no business doing this, and you have even less business asking us to. But here we are, both making questionable life choices together.
Why This Is a Bad Idea
Let's count the ways this could go horribly wrong, shall we?
Thermal Damage
Our encapsulation process involves heat. Your card is made of paper. You do the math.
Human Error
We're hackers, not surgeons. Sometimes we mix up left and right.
Chaos Theory
Mercury is probably in retrograde. The universe might just hate your card specifically.
What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Oh, where do we even start? Here's what you're signing up for:
- Card Melting: It's plastic encapsulation. With heat. Your card might become abstract art.
- Wrong Grade: We might grade your gem mint 10 as a -1 just cause
- Lost in Transit: The postal service loses nuclear warheads. Your Charizard doesn't stand a chance.
- NFC Chip Rebellion: Sometimes the chips gain sentience and refuse to authenticate
- Coffee Incidents: We drink A LOT of coffee. Spills are statistically inevitable.
- Existential Crisis: We might stare at your card and question the meaning of collecting
But Wait, There's More!
Zero Guarantees
We promise nothing except that we'll probably try our best. Probably.
Questionable Methods
Our grading process involves squinting, arguing, and sometimes a Magic 8-Ball.
No Insurance
If we destroy your card, we'll feel really bad about it. That's about it.
Slow Turnaround
We work on hacker time. Could be tomorrow, could be next year. Time is a construct.
Still Want to Do This?
Look, we've tried to talk you out of it. We've been completely honest about our incompetence. We've warned you about the very real possibility of card annihilation. But if you're still reading this, you're either very brave or very foolish. Either way, we respect that.
Here's the deal: Email us at terrible-idea@fottrcard.com with photos of your card, a brief explanation of why you hate it enough to send it to us, and your card's favorite pizza topping (we need to know what kind of grease stains it prefers when we inevitably drop our lunch on it).
We'll review your submission while questioning our life choices, then get back to you with either a shipping address or a strongly-worded intervention about why you should keep your card far, far away from us.
MANDATORY WAIVER OF SANITY
⚠️ PRINT THIS OUT AND INCLUDE WITH YOUR CARD OR WE'LL IGNORE YOU ⚠️
TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICE ACKNOWLEDGMENT FORM
Date: _________________
I, _________________________ (print name), being of questionable judgment and sound insanity, do hereby acknowledge the following:
□ I understand FOTTRCard.com has ZERO accountability for anything that happens to my card
□ I accept that you assign NO VALUE whatsoever to my precious cardboard
□ I am aware you will PROBABLY MELT my card with your "military-grade" heat process
□ I acknowledge you might use my card as a coffee coaster before remembering to grade it
□ I accept that Mercury retrograde is a valid excuse for any mishaps
□ I understand "gem mint" means whatever you feel like that day
□ I am okay with receiving my card back as abstract art
□ I accept that shipping times operate on "hacker standard time" (∞)
□ I understand you might grade my card while blindfolded for the lulz
□ I acknowledge this entire operation is held together by hope and NFC chips
□ I accept the return package will have NO INSURANCE whatsoever
□ I understand you DEFINITELY will not provide a tracking number
Your card's favorite pizza topping is: ___________________________ (REQUIRED - so we know what it likes when we drop lunch on it)
My card's biggest fear is: ___________________________ (optional but encouraged)
RETURN ADDRESS (where we send the remains):
Name: _______________________________________________
Street Address: _____________________________________
City, State, ZIP: __________________________________
Country: ____________________________________________
Phone (for crying): _________________________________
By signing below, I confirm that:
1. Yes, this is a terrible life choice
2. I'm doing it anyway
3. I can't say you didn't warn me
_____________________________________________
Signature of Poor Decision Maker
_____________________________________________
"YES, THIS IS A TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICE" (write this out)
_____________________________________________
Print Name (so we know who to blame)
Form Version 3.13.37