Get Certified
For People Who've Already Made Questionable Life Choices
Become a Certified Slabber
We occasionally host intensive training sessions where adults voluntarily spend their weekends arguing about microscopic printing dots and the philosophical meaning of "mint." This certification program exists because apparently regular hobbies weren't complicated enough for us.
The Certification Process
Our certification program is for people who looked at their life and thought, "You know what this needs? More obsessive analysis of children's trading cards."
1. Application & Screening
Submit proof that you've spent an embarrassing amount of time staring at cardboard. We'll judge your ability to keep a straight face while explaining why a 60/40 centering is fundamentally different from 55/45.
2. In-Person Training Sessions
Spend entire days squinting at cards under every conceivable light source while pretending this is a valuable use of human potential. Learn to spot the difference between a 9.5 and a 10 with the confidence of someone who definitely has better things to do.
3. The Examination
Take a test so unnecessarily detailed that you'll contemplate your life choices mid-exam. We'll ask you to identify print defects visible only to electron microscopes and explain why you care about corners more than your actual career.
4. Your Certification
Get a certificate that proves you've dedicated significant portions of your adult life to plastic-encased cardboard. You'll immediately slab this certificate because irony is dead and we killed it.
What You'll Learn
🔍 Advanced Card Inspection
Microscopic analysis techniques that would make a forensic scientist question your priorities
🛡️ Authentication Protocols
Learn cryptography so you can explain to confused relatives why your cardboard needs blockchain-adjacent technology
📐 Precision Grading
Our proprietary grading standards that go beyond reason and into the realm of obsession
🔒 Security Best Practices
Treat pieces of printed cardboard with the security protocols usually reserved for government secrets
⚡ Slabbing Techniques
The art and science of entombing cardboard like it's the pharaoh's treasure
🤝 Community Standards
The unwritten rules and ethics of people who've dedicated their lives to rectangles
Student Achievements
Witness the pinnacle of human accomplishment: adults who've successfully completed our program and now professionally obsess over cardboard.
This pristine 10 was graded by our certified slabbers. They only slightly melted it during the slabbing process, which honestly shows remarkable restraint.
Benefits of Certification
Official Recognition
Join dozens of other people who've made equally questionable decisions with their free time
Enhanced Credibility
People will nod politely when you explain the nuanced differences between gem mint and pristine, while secretly planning their escape
Network Access
Find your people: others who think spending $500 to verify a $50 card makes perfect sense
Upcoming Sessions
Training sessions are announced exclusively through our community channels.
Sessions are small because there aren't that many people willing to admit they need formal training to look at trading cards. If you're reading this, you're probably one of them.
Due to the exclusive nature of our program, dates and locations are revealed only to approved applicants.
Frequently Asked Questions
Who should apply for certification?
Experienced collectors, dealers, and enthusiasts who've already gone too far down the rabbit hole and figure they might as well get a certificate for it. You should have a deep understanding of cards and questionable priorities.
How often are training sessions held?
Whenever we find enough people who've lost perspective on what constitutes a reasonable hobby. So... surprisingly often.
What's the cost of certification?
Honestly, we should probably pay you for humoring us. But instead we charge just enough to maintain the illusion this is a legitimate operation. Think of it as therapy, but backwards, where you pay to develop new obsessions.
Is certification renewable?
Your certification lasts forever, much like the regret you'll feel explaining this credential at dinner parties.
Can I become certified remotely?
No. The hands-on nature of card authentication requires in-person training. You need to feel the cards, smell the plastic, and share awkward small talk with other obsessive collectors.
What equipment will I need?
A heat gun from Harbor Freight because we don't believe in fancy things like ultrasonic welders. Also a magnifying glass and the unshakeable conviction that melting plastic around cardboard is a perfectly reasonable adult activity.
Ready to Get Certified?
If you've read this far without closing the tab in existential horror, you're exactly the kind of person we're looking for. Someone who sees "obsessing over children's game pieces" and thinks "yes, this needs formal accreditation."